Introducing... Baby Blueberry!!!

Here is our precious Baby Blueberry!
We've pretty much decided on names, too :)
Either Julien Michael or Cameron Michael if it is a boy (Send blue vibes!)
and Sophia Elizabeth or Sabrielle Elizabeth if we're looking at a pretty little girl!

Ashlynn is still loving on her baby whenever she gets a glimpse of my belly or hears the word baby. It's a wonder her aunties do not know yet!
We're also looking to be moving around mid-January!!!
Things hit a road bump with the bank, so mid to late December turned into Mid-January, which is fair enough in the long run.

I've been feeling off and on nudges and kicks..all around one spot on the left. Not sure why, but guess that's his/her "spot"
As I was typing this, I felt a "lump" near that spot. So I poked it and HOLY ACTIVE. S/he was just flipping and jumping and it is the best feeling in the world :)

Baby!

Ashlynn has now been informed that Mommy has a baby in her belly. I can't begin to explain how darn adorable it is! She'll lift my shirt to see my belly and give it loves, kisses, poke it (just wait until s/he pokes back!) and now says "Baby!"
Before this, she never, ever said the word baby. Now she's pointing out babies in pictures 24/7. "Baby?? Baby?"
And she'll give my belly loves and say "Hi Baby!"
It's exciting seeing her excited about it. Granted, once the baby arrives she won't be so thrilled, but we'll work through it.
She also STILL has not weaned. It's to be expected, I suppose. Her nursing sessions are multiple times daily, but very brief (seconds at most) but she still doesn't want to give it up.
She has begun to climb into my bed at night some nights, and I admit that some nights I will also get her from her bed and put her in mine for bedtime snuggles. I'm enjoying her being an "only child" as much as possible.
I still have morning sickness, and a serious aversion to chicken. I can't for the life of me eat anything with chicken. Chicken broth is fine, but actual chicken isn't. If I do eat it, I feel seriously ill for 1hr+

Our moving date has been moved up as well. It's frustrating but also a good thing. Instead of looking at $1,200 a month for a 2 bedroom apartment, we'll be spending $900/month for our own condo, which will include our own washer and dryer! YAY for washing cloth diapers in our home! It makes things much, much easier since I'll have 2 in diapers. I've tried to potty train Miss Ashlynn, but she's too easily distracted. She will sit on the potty briefly then get up and go about her business, eventually peeing on the floor if I don't diaper her asap.

On another note, we're looking at a pretty bad milk intolerance.
I noticed that scrambled eggs made her vomit almost every time she had them, but I just took it as I should avoid them and not give her cups of milk (which at almost 2 years old she has never had) but then macaroni and cheese, which on occasion she used to throw up as well, made her get the poops the next day. And I'm talking vile smelling, gross poops.
To which she insists on shoving hands in her diaper to dig for instead of informing me that she pooped. She only tells me AFTER she's caught digging around.
One afternoon she had 7 poops and 2 baths..and lots of wiping down.. This was the day after she had eaten macaroni and cheese for lunch.
Today it was just 2 poops and one bath (and a wipe down) but she had also barely eaten her lunch the day before.
I'm frustrated!
I LOVE macaroni and cheese right now. It's one of the few foods I can guaranteed stomach, along with bagels, hot chocolate, goldfish crackers and salt and vinegar chips. Everything else is a hit or miss.
But with the way she reacts, Mac n Cheese may very well be a no-no in our home. We also just got SEVEN coupons from Kraft after I told them their boxes were hard to tell apart. I had accidentally purchase a thick n creamy mac when I meant to purchase original. They taste VERY different, and my stomach was not pleased with my choice. I didn't expect compensation (and most certainly not 7 boxes worth, as I only bought one box) but I was pleased with how they responded. Hopefully they change their boxes a bit for other poor morning sickness plagued mommies.
Well, it's almost 10:30 and I'm ready to crash for the night :) I will for sure update soon. Things should be kicking into gear VERY soon with moving and that amazing ultrasound I want to get so badly. I need to see my Blueberry!

Ashlynn is going to be a....

BIG SISTER!
Yes, you read that right!
This Mama is 6 weeks and 5 days along with Baby number 2!
I found out a while back and just 3 1/2 weeks. I had been taking a walk on a nice, cool day and suddenly got very hot and dizzy. The only time this happened before was with my pregnancy with Ashlynn. Ding ding ding! Alarms went off in my head.
I was also cramping quite a bit. A test the next day confirmed my thoughts.
I kept it quiet for a while because at 5 weeks I was in the ER for severe dehydration, I continued to cramp for a bit after that and just felt..blah.
But in the past week or so, I grew a cup size, my pants don't button..oh..and here's the best (worst!) part... Morning sickness!!!
I never had it with Ashlynn, but here it is.. Every morning I want to die (figuratively) and by nighttime I'm just tired.
I'm nauseous most of the time and already threw up once.
I think it's a boy, for sure.
Ashlynn has yet to wean, so if she doesn't by June, I'll be a tandem nursing mama. She's in her own bed, by her own choice, but is welcome in Mama's bed whenever she wants.

Still Advanced for her age

My daughter is almost 21 months old. Almost 2.
But she still doesn't "act her age"

We're talking 3-5 word sentences "Mama you okay? You got a boo boo?"
Jumping with both feet off the ground..easily.
She can draw a shaky circle, washes and dries her hands (she loves to wash her hands)
She's been walking down stairs for a couple months now, too.
My toddler is between 27 and 30 month development.
We have full on conversations.
She knows how to describe things (Big, Hot, Cold, Chilly, Auntie's, Mama's)
And people she sees once a week, sometimes even less, she can call by name each and every time she sees them.
I take things day by day..With a "gifted" child, that's all you can do.
I encourage her to count, talk, explore her environment, but I don't force anything.

Ash I type, she's sitting watching tv (bad, I know) and going "Lolly Lolly Lolly POP!" which her auntie taught her not too long ago.

But, despite all her advances..she still has her Dih-dee (Her pacifier)
So I'm still the classifier of the pacifier!

Circumcision and my potential future son

I'm not sure of everyone's view on circ, but if you're easily offended, look away.
First off, I did not mutilate my daughter's genitals..so why would I mutilate my son's?
Yes, I truly think it's mutilation.
I don't care if he looks like the other boys, if he has a "pretty penis", or any of those excuses..
I mean, if it's 100% medically NECESSARY, yes, I'd do it..but I'd do a LOT of research before making any decision. I won't just say "Oh..it's needed? Okay. Chop away"
because the hospital told me pitocin was needed..and breaking my water.. among other things.
And it didn't end well.
My son would remain intact, and within just a few years, he will be among the majority.
I have friends who have circ'd, and quite frankly we've had conversations about circumcision..and their reasons make me laugh.
"His daddy is" Okay... So if your arm is amputated, should we amputate your daughter's? No? Why not?
"Intact is gross looking" You sure about that? From what I hear, they look the same when erect, and the sex is better with an intact man. And, might I remind you, a vagina isn't very pretty.. Should we cut that off?
"Everyone does it" Not true. Actually, more and more mothers are choosing to leave their sons intact!
"Intact is dirty" Yeah..if you don't bathe.. Should we remove his ears? Ever noticed just how dirty a newborn infant's palm creases get? And their toes.. and once they're older, their mouth??

But, in the end, I just go by this.. It's HIS body, not mine. I have no right to choose what body parts he is allowed to keep and what parts I want gone.. unless medically necessary.
And circumcision is NOT medically necessary (most of the time)

Haven't Been Posting Lately..

Sorry for not posting lately! Here's an update!
Ashlynn is doing wonderfully. She hasn't really learned anything super new other than new words, but she spits new words out daily and then never repeats them! She did develop an obsession with the word "shoes", but has since stopped saying it unless prompted.
One morning she came up to me with both my shoes and handed them to me going "Shoes?"
"Yes Ashlynn, those are shoes. Thank you"
I took them, put them on the floor and she picked them back up!
"Shoes!"
"Yes, Shoes. Please put them down, Sweetheart"
"Shoes...?"
"Yes, Shoes. Good Job! Can you put them down?"
She kept forcing me to take them, so I finally gave in and put them beside me on the couch, practically in my lap. She's very demanding!
She's also thinned out quite a bit, still in size 18 months..and get this one.. she has size 3 shoes that fit a bit tight, but not too tight..and size SIX shoes that fit and are only slightly loose! Makes no sense to me! Haha. Two pairs are from Walmart (size 3), not sure of the brand, and the other is a pair of crocs (the size 6). She also has 2 pairs of summer sandals in a size 6 from The Children's Place that also fit quite well..
Odd.
She has CURLS in her still very short hair now, which I love! Only in the back though, same as my hair when I was a child.

As for me, I'm hanging in there.
Things aren't going well between the girlfriend and I, sadly. Our communication is terrible and she's been withdrawing lately.
I'm also going on medication for my Depression and OCD because they've gotten unmanageable without medication. It's upsetting, but it's for the best. I will be going on something breastfeeding safe, since I'm still nursing Ashlynn 3-5x a day, sometimes more.
They think it MAY be bipolar, given my cycles of exhaustion and insomnia, but time will only tell on that. If it is in fact bipolar, I will have to prematurely wean Ashlynn. Mood stabilizers are not breastfeeding safe, sadly.

That's about it for the update :) Hope everyone is doing well!
I may take a break from blogging, depending on various factors in day to day life.
Sorry! :(

Update!

It's been a while since I posted..
I guess I've been a bit busy with school and being a mommy.
So this post will be dedicated to Ashlynn's current standing with development!
I believe at this point she's at around an 18 month level, going by this; (things she can do are bolded)

His Physical Development…Motor Skills

Your 18 month old child…

• Is able to walk regularly and stop safely, without sitting down
  quickly
• Can climb forward into an adult chair and then turn round and sit
• Is able to kneel upright without help
• Squats to pick up a toy
• Moves without support from a squatting position to standing
• Uses a delicate pincer grasp to pick up very small objects
• Uses spoon when feeding himself
• Holds a pencil in his whole hand or between the thumb and the first two fingers...primitive tri-pod grasp
• Is able to scribble to and fro with a pencil on paper
• Can thread large beads onto a lace or string (We haven't tried this yet)
  
• Can control his wrist movement to manipulate objects
• Moves small objects from a bottle by turning it upside-down
• Points to familiar objects
• Builds a tower of three or more bricks.

His Sensory/Intellectual Development

• Can identify known people at a distance
  
• Is aware that he is looking at himself in the mirror (I'm not sure about this one)
  
• No longer explore things in his mouth.

His Language Development

• Is aware of the names of parts of his body, and can point to them when asked (She can do it on the doggy, but not herself)
  
• Uses 6-40 recognizable words and understand many more…but the word mostly used is 'no' (Her favorite word is actually "This", still..
  
• Uses signs and gestures beside words
• Indicates desire by pointing
• Obeys simple instructions such as 'shut the door', and responds to simple questions such as 'Where's the cat?'
• Refers to himself by name
• Begins to wave his arms up and down, meaning 'start again', 'more', or 'I like it'
• Can identify that people may have desires…thinks that everyone feels the same as he does.

His Emotional and Social Development

• Knows where objects are kept... this reflects an increase in long-term memory
• Plays continuously alone... solitary play... but may like to be near a familiar adult or sibling
• Most likely to be independent, for example to dress himself
• Has the knowledge that others are fearful or anxious for him as he climbs on or off chairs
• Is likely to become frustrated, with occasional temper tantrums
• May show a sign of toilet needs by restless or words
• Is able to follow stories, enjoy stories and rhymes that include repetition.

Today we were playing a game where I wiggled my fingers and said "I'm gonna get you!!" then tickled her. When I stopped, she wiggled her own fingers and said 'I gonna get!"
We repeated and the next time she said "I get you!"
She can't quite get those 4 words, but she tried!

And this past weekend she was climbing the steps and her Nana told her to get down.
She turned around, sat down and said "I sit here"
Then climbed up one step, sat and said "I just sit here"
Climbed another and sat "I sit here...I sit"
She's one smart cookie!

Let's Discuss... Toys!

Ashlynn has tons of toys; Books, Tables, Baby Dolls, Toy Phones, A Teapot, Two Ride On Ponies.....
Then her favorite; A Busy Ball Popper.
But no, putting the balls into the toy and watching them pop up isn't her favorite thing to do. She loves it, don't get me wrong, but her favorite thing? That would be sticking a spoon or glue stick into it, then clapping. Over. And Over.
She'll "read" a book for a few seconds, flipping the pages while pointing and babbling, but she really has no interest.
Her little toys get played with for about 5 minutes a week, maybe 10.
Anything that plays music with become the "toy of the minute" for a little while each day,
but she spends at least 30 minutes playing with that Busy Ball Popper.
So wait..what does she do with the other time in her day?
Well, she has breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A nap around 1-2pm until 3 or 4, music time, sitting on the couch with Mommy to watch TV (which she isn't a big fan of, actually), playing with her aunties, playing with her Nana or Poppy, and bedtime around 8-8:30.
She's a busy girl!
So if you're ever looking for toy recommendations, try the Busy Ball Popper!
Play tables are also great because they make noise, play music, teach..and the one we have has a small bowl in the middle that I put snacks in!
Push toys are a hit and miss. With Ashlynn, they were a miss. She walked with her table more than her Stride To Ride Dino, and now she turns every toy into a push toy. And she's walking and RUNNING!
Baby Dolls are great for babies! Ashlynn knows to love hers nicely, and she's adorable with it.
If I may make a toy suggestion that I'm not sure exists...
Toy dog food and water!
She's obsessed with both and it drives me crazy!

And that's toys for ya!

Ashlynn and Male Figures In Her Life

Obviously Ashlynn's father is not in the picture. Nor will he ever be. It's a complicated situation, but he was out of the picture when I was 6 weeks pregnant. He was desperate to get away, and I let him. No use forcing something when she's better off without him.
But she still has male figures in her life that she adores.
First off is my stepfather. He comes home from work and her eyes light up. He doesn't exactly sit on the floor and play with her, but he'll give her hugs, tip her upside down so she can walk on the ceiling (He did it with my sisters bringing them to bed, so she wanted to do it too!), and she loves him half to death. But it's her Poppy, of course she loves him!
Then there's my girlfriend's husband. Ashlynn absolutely adores him as well. When we are at their place, he will play with her, tickle her, toss her into the air, chase her. She's actually followed him around before. He'd chase her back into the room (Imagine hearing thumps of feet and then hysterical giggles then seeing Ashlynn burst into the room laughing with him not far behind) and as soon as he left, she was toddling after him.
If things get more serious, she may consider him a father figure, and my girlfriend as a second mother.
Even in atypical situations like my own, my daughter is loved to the max by so many people. She has all she needs with her Nana (my mom), Poppy (my stepdad), O-Nana (My grandmother), Auntie Kenzie (my sister), Auntie Nikki (my other sister), Auntie Ney Ney (My best friend), and my girlfriend and her husband, and of course her Mama.
I do wish some people were more involved. Her father is not one of them, but my father is.
He spent my life messing around with things. He'd be there. Then he wouldn't. He'd show up to see me, then he wouldn't..and I'd wait in the window for hours. "Daddy will be here! He will!" and I'd watch all the cars driving by, hoping one was him. I remember it so sickeningly clear.
When I was older, he was there for a couple years. Then one night he said I could spend the night at a friend's house. He was drunk, I'm assuming, when he said it..because the next morning I woke up to find out that he called the police and said I ran away.
He has seen his granddaughter maybe twice, and only one time was by choice.
He never said what he wants to be called, never wished her a happy birthday, never showed up for her party..
So he was written off of her life for good.
No yo-yo'ing with my baby girl's emotions. No window watching, No crying.
I make my choices with her best interest at heart, and so far I seem to be doing a very good job of it. She's thriving and happy.

Her Birth Story

This time last year,
I was, as far as I remember, sitting on an exercise ball counting contractions!!!
I had been in labor since 6pm and we left for the hospital around 12:30am. My contractions were, at most, 1-2 minutes apart. Many had no spacings and it felt like a 10 minute long contraction!
When I arrived at the hospital, I was barely dilated.
Around 4:30 am I received Nubain (I believe) after fighting through painful contractions, one of which lasted 3 or 4 minutes and had me in tears by the end.
Around 7 or 8 am, they broke my water and told me that there was meconium (baby poop) in my water. So much for holding my baby after her birth.
After that, times are fuzzy.
I got the epidural after having a panic attack and getting anxiety medication through my IV at some point. Probably 8am or so.
My daughter's feet were in my ribs, so no amount of epidural boosts could ease that pain. And I got quite a few of them!
I stalled at 9 1/2 centimeters, then finally got to 10!
Pushing was ineffective, but my nurse assumed it was me who just wasn't trying hard enough.
She told me if I didn't push harder, She'd have them give me a c-section.
At that point, I hadn't even felt the need to push!!
Shortly after, I did and I pushed with all my might every contraction. I had no choice in the matter. My body made me.
After her angry glares, I finally told her "Fine. Get me the stupid C-section, this is obviously not working"
The doctor told me he was going to try using a vacuum, and after pushing, being vacuumed and having an episiotomy (quite a large one, at that!) my 8lb 14oz baby girl arrived at 7:21 pm January 28th, 2010. I was 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant.
I remember crying "the pain is gone!" and my mom tearfully told me "She's out! She's out!"
They rushed her away, All I saw were two little feet. I heard no crying until they suctioned her, and then burst into tears even more hearing her little cry.
My mom snuck over and got a picture. I saw my baby on a camera phone, then it got very hazy...

After her birth, They couldn't stop the bleeding. My blood pressure plummeted and I faintly remember a nurse pushing on my stomach and all I felt were gushes upon gushes of blood.
I started to pass out off and on, barely waking up long enough to say "Can I have some water? Can I have fruit?" My mom wouldn't leave my side, just told me she would soon. I didn't know why until they told me the next day.
They managed to stop the bleeding with a shot in my leg, which I barely remember.
I'm not sure what they did with my daughter while all this was going on. My mom was supposed to cut the cord, but she didn't. My perfect birth had gone horribly wrong.
They handed her to me at some point, and mama instinct immediately nursed her.
She was a pro, though the nurse insisted I use a nipple shield. I used it maybe twice before tossing it. It wasn't working and it was making me angry.
Low on blood, I dozed often. Usually while feeding my newborn.
The nurses repeatedly came in and took her from me, telling me they don't allow women to sleep with their babies in their arms.
The first time, my mom woke up to her crying and gave her to me.
The second time, my mom was sleeping deeply. She was exhausted.
So I cried along with my newborn, unable and not allowed to get out of bed.
In the morning, I received a blood transfusion. Not a happy mama!

I wasn't allowed up for a couple days.. So I didn't get to change her first diaper.
I didn't get to pick her up when she cried in the bed, so instead I held her in my arms.
When the nurses weren't in the room, I dozed, but I quickly learned to wake up the second I heard footsteps entering the room. They weren't taking my baby again.
For breakfast, I always had fruit, iced tea, and bacon. Sometimes a bagel,too.
Lunch was always a chicken salad sandwich (or two) with iced tea,
and dinner was turkey with potato and green beans. Again, with iced tea.
I had other options, but I chose comfort foods.
The pain was terrible, but it was all worth it.
We stayed a couple extra days because of me, then another day (maybe two?) because she was jaundice. I refused to allow them to give her a bottle (one nurse tried, without my consent, while standing a few feet away from me. Ashlynn refused to take the bottle. She screamed louder. I'm proud of my big girl!)
I believe we were there for 5 days.

Though the birth was not what I wanted it to be.. in any way.. It was all worth it for the most amazing child I have ever met in my life.
Mommy Loves You, Ashlynn Heather!

The Inevitable,

I knew my father's side of the family would eventually voice their opinions, so I tried to prepare myself.
But I didn't prepare myself enough, it seems.
My aunt told my grandmother (my father's mother, who is very, very religious) that I came out as a lesbian, and told me that it was okay, she would get used to it and that the rest of the family is okay with it. The want me happy.
I believed her until I spoke to my cousin.
My cousin informed me that my grandmother had asked her and my other aunt to pray for me.
Alright.. Tolerable I suppose.
My cousin also informed me that she didn't believe in my sexuality. She did not support it.
I asked if she was trying to pray me straight then.
She said no.
"its not a matter of being close minded its a matter of her faith/the familys faith and thats what we believe and we obviously dont hate you or stop loving you or anything we just all want to help you"
Help me? Help me with what?
Since when do I need help? I have an amazing daughter, I'm doing pretty well for myself, I have a very good relationship...
What exactly do I need help with? Becoming straight, of course!
We spoke for a bit and I asked her..
So, If I fall in love with a girl..it's not love to you?
Her reply?
"Lol of course not!!!"
Excuse me?
Love is love. It knows no gender, whether it be male and female, male and male, or female and female.
It got pretty heated after that.
As far as I'm concerned, if she can hop onto her soapbox to preach to me about my sexuality, she should follow the bible herself.
And, if you weren't aware, A woman who is not a virgin when married should be stoned to death.
A husband, according to the bible, needs a virgin to marry.
Premarital sex is frowned upon.
As are tattoos and piercings.
She has at least 3 piercings and was pregnant at her wedding.
But, as she claims, we don't follow the bible that closely.
Well why not? Why choose what you follow?

Either way, my daughter turns one tomorrow, and her birthday party is the day after, so I warned her that my sexuality is not to be brought up at any point.
If it is, the person who brings it up will have to leave immediately.
I'll hear them out, however. If I'm asked to "Help with something" (As I'm sure my grandmother will do) and it is brought up, I will listen, say "Thanks for your opinion, but I am who I am and I'm not changing for you, but I believe it's time you leave", then walk away.
My mom and I already agreed that all I'll have to do is signal to her and she will take care of whoever dares cause drama.
The party is to celebrate my daughter turning one, not to question my choices or sexuality.

This Mama Isn't a Single Mama Anymore!

First off, I'd like to make it known that after years of seriously thinking, experimenting, etc, I've determined that I'm not attracted to men. This mama is a lesbian mama.
Signs I noticed include, but are not limited to;

• When out with friends, I didn't notice the men/boys they pointed out. I noticed the girlfriend of said person.
• I never noticed men/boys on TV. All the TV stars my friends were in love with I didn't find attractive. But I did notice girls/women.
  
• When poster shopping, I never found myself interested in half-naked men. Half-naked women was another story.
• I realized recently that as a young child, I had a crush on Xena from Xena Warrior Princess.. I was probably 5 at the time.
• Body/Chest/Facial hair freaks me out pretty badly. I don't like it.

At 14, I came out as bisexual. I've always been attracted to women. I dated a couple girls, dated some boys, but my experience with girls wasn't exactly picture perfect. Both were pretty distant about things and both later came out as straight. And yes, I've been with a girl sexually.
With the boys, I'll admit it was mainly sexual. But I wasn't really attracted to them physically. It was more their personality that would draw me in. And, as my friend put it, all of them were baby-faced with softer features, like a girl.
I have since lost all attraction to men, but still constantly notice women.
So I started speaking to a friend of mine who is married with an 8 month old son.
To cut to the chase, her marriage is an open marriage on her part, since she is bisexual.
Her husband has no problem with her dating (yes, having an actual emotional/sexual relationship) a girl. If anything, he supports it! And no strings involved, either.
So after a while of her and I pondering the subject and opportunities, We decided to give it a go.
This type of relationship is referred to as Polyamory.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

In a nutshell, she is a married woman with a girlfriend at the same time. No secrets in either relationship.
If all goes well, I see this becoming a long-term thing, which would give Ashlynn a "father figure" (a positive male role model, at least) in her life, as well as TWO mommy figures. A primary mommy, me, who provides everything for her, as well as a secondary mommy.

Then came coming out..and telling a select few family members about my relationship.
Coming out went well. No negative comments (Yes, I did it through facebook. It was a quick, easy way to tell a lot of people at once) and a few people weren't surprised in the least.
Telling my family about my girlfriend didn't go nearly as well.
My mom thought nothing of "informing" me that my girlfriend thought of me as a "Good F***, Something on the side"
excuse me?
She's not supportive in the least, but she's not going to try to sabotage the relationship either.
Her mom, my grandmother, was much much more open about it.
She's not "excited" per say, but she's not opposed like my mom is, either.
As long as I'm happy and in a good relationship, she's happy as well.

And, too add, Ashlynn loves my girlfriend and her husband, as well as their son (Though he tries to kiss her and she HATES it! Typical girl avoiding those boy cooties)

To end this post, here are some Polyamory factoids!

Values within polyamory

• Fidelity and loyalty: Many polyamorists define fidelity not as sexual exclusivity but as faithfulness to the promises and agreements made about a relationship. A secret sexual relationship that violates those accords would be seen as a breach of fidelity. Polyamorists generally base definitions of commitment on considerations other than sexual exclusivity, e.g. "trust and honesty" or "growing old together".
• Communication and negotiation: Because there is no "standard model" for polyamorous relationships, and reliance upon common expectations may not be realistic, polyamorists often advocate explicitly deciding the ground rules of their relationships with all concerned, and often emphasize that this should be an ongoing process of communication and respect. Polyamorists usually take a pragmatic approach to their relationships; they accept that sometimes they and their partners will make mistakes and fail to live up to these ideals, and that communication is important for repairing any breaches.
• Trust, honesty, dignity and respect: Most polyamorists emphasize respect, trust, and honesty for all partners. A partner's partners should be accepted as part of that person's life rather than merely tolerated, and a relationship that requires deception, or where partners are not allowed to express their individual lives, is often seen as a poor model.
• Gender equality: Most polyamorists do not believe in different relationship "rules" based on gender, a point of contrast with some forms of religious non-monogamy. However the ground rules of each relationship are negotiable, and very occasionally a couple will agree upon an asymmetric degree of freedom among the partners (who need not be of different genders) due to individual differences and needs.
• Non-possessiveness: Polyamorists believe that excessive restrictions on other deep relationships are not for the best, as they tend to replace trust with a framework of ownership and control. They often strive to see their partner's partners in terms of the gain to their partner's life rather than the threat to their own. Poly relationships often involve negotiated agreements or "ground rules"; these agreements vary widely and may change over time, but could include consultation about new relationships, or seeking an existing partner's veto or approval.
• Mutual support: This requires that each partner will support, and not undermine, the other, and will not deliberately use a secondary relationship to harm another party or relationship.

While openly polyamorous relationships are relatively rare (Rubin, 1982), there are indications that private polyamorous arrangements within relationships are actually quite common. Blumstein and Schwartz (1983, cited in Rubin & Adams, 1986) noted that of 3,574 married couples in their sample, 15-28% had an understanding that allows nonmonogamy under some circumstances. The percentages are higher among cohabitating couples (28%), lesbian couples (29%) and gay male couples (65%)

Baby Cravings

As I've said before, I'm 18. I turn 19 Feb 22nd and I'm in no way ready for a second child, neither financially nor mentally.
However, last night I had a very interesting dream. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! I was pregnant! I also knew I was 8 weeks along, which would be very unlikely if it was not a dream. I am very in tune to my body and KNEW I was pregnant before I took the pregnancy test at only 3 weeks 3 days. My LMP before becoming pregnant was May 5th, and I took a test based purely on how I felt on May 29th. Positive. I have no doubt in my mind that it will be the same when I have my 2nd a few years down the road.
I was excited, thrilled even. I told my mom and she told me it was OK that I was pregnant and that things will be fine. She was happy!

I woke up, knowing fully well I was not pregnant. It is physically impossible, as I have not done anything that could create a child (even anything that has a .00001% chance of creating a child) since prior to finding out I was pregnant.
I also knew that my mom would NOT be happy if I got pregnant anytime soon, and it would NOT be okay.
I also remember in this dream that someone told me to get an abortion. I know for a fact I would never be able to do that, and I reacted the same way in the dream.

Can you say baby cravings? Looks like my body wants to have baby number 2 NOW. Too bad I'm not going to give my body what it wants! =)
I must say though, it was a good dream. As long as it stays a dream.
To add, if by chance I ever got pregnant prior to being ready, which is highly unlikely, I know I would not be able to give up or abort my child. So fingers crossed it does not happen. At least not for another 5-10 years, leaning towards 6-7..

She's SHY!

Who knew!
We were at Ashlynn's check up for her ears yesterday and she was running around, yelling up a storm and playing with these two little plastic animals (An elephant and a tiger) that roar/make elephant sounds when you hit a button on their belly.. They were dying though, so it sounded really strange.
She was being VERY loud and VERY outgoing..until the Dr walked in!
The second that door opened, she stopped walking and didn't make a peep.
Actually, she didn't make another peep until we left the building altogether!
The check went well, though. The infection is GONE and she's not to have any Amoxicillin for 6 months because of the rash. He thinks it's just an amoxicillin rash, which is sort of common, but just in case he decided to keep her away from it for 6 months. If she needs it after that, I can try it again. If another rash shows up (with the amox. rash, it only happens once and then never again) she will be marked as allergic.

Funny thing... Before we left I got her to walk to me, just to show off her skills. But then my mom thought she'd show the Dr. what happens when you put her shoes on!
See, Ashlynn seems to think that putting shoes on her cements her to the floor..She won't move her feet unless you make her, or unless she gets down and crawls.
The second she was put down with her shoes on, she stood..and stood.
The Doctor suggested we leave the room. He left. She still stood. My mom left. Still stood.
I started to leave, she got down and crawled to me.

I don't see her walking with shoes anytime soon!
Happy 1/11/11!

Lovely Little Rash....And Some Car Seat Safety Info (And A Rant!)

All over her little body. Head to toe.. literally.
She woke up this morning and I noticed her cheeks had little, raised red bumps.. Very small, and they didn't seem to be bothering her. I gave her her normal dose of amoxicillin and not too long after, my mom pointed to her back and said "Is this the rash you mentioned to me?"
Yep.. It spread to her back. Within another 30 minutes or so, it was on her legs.. I took off her shirt to see how bad it was on her back and noticed it was on her arms and tummy too!
It was worse on her right side, not as bad on the left..but still there.
I called her Dr. The nurse who answered said it was a common rash (called a amoxicillin rash) and nothing to worry about since she's off the meds on Monday. She also told me that if it had been day one or two of the meds instead of day 8, she'd change the medication because she wouldn't want Ashlynn being itchy and uncomfortable for that long..
But for now, we're using benadryl to keep the rash to a minimum (though it hasn't seemed to have done anything but stop the spreading)

It's not an allergy, supposedly, though I wonder what exactly it is.. wouldn't a reaction to the medication be considered an allergy? Though at the same time, many medications have side effects, so that may be it as well. My mom did some research and this rash seems to occur in 5-10% of children, and often doesn't happen again if the child takes the amoxicillin again.
Hopefully that's what happens here!
My aunt had a severe reaction when she was younger. She vomited every time she took the medication, and I believe she also swelled up. Her doctor told my grandmother to continue giving the medication, but after a while my grandmother stopped listening...
Doctors are not always right.

Which brings me to an off-topic little...rant I suppose.
Tonight while on facebook, a friend of mine posted a photo of a young baby in her car, forward facing. I asked the child's age, and if she was forward facing (I wanted to be sure)
I received a message from her saying the child was 8 months old, and yes she was forward facing.
I asked why and she told me because when she put the seat in rear facing, it was too wobbly.
So I linked her to a youtube video on how to properly install a convertible car seat rear facing, and told her if she was unsure, many fire stations have someone certified who can help and show her how to do it. She told me she only took the baby "once in a while"
I said yes, once in a while..but all it takes is once. Better safe than sorry.
She agreed and I left it at that, saying I apologize if I came off as harsh, but it was a safety and legal issue that I felt needed to be addressed.

Not long after, the mother of the child commented on the photo..
Here's the "Debate" we had..
Her- She's fine facing forward. No worries.
I gave her this link; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sssIsceKd6U&feature=player_embedded and said there are worries, there's a law.. 20lbs AND one year old..

My comment was deleted. and NOT by me.

But she was quick to reply, nonetheless..
Her- i think its about time you worry bout your own kid and not mine. i dont care about a stupid video. her doctor said shes big enough so mind your own business and f*** off

Wonderful language.. way to sound mature.

I replied;

Her doctor need to have his license revoked then.
The CPS (Which, if you don't know, is the Child Passenger Safety Resource) says THIS about forward facing;
"It is strongly recommended that all children stay rear-facing beyond the minimum requirements of 1 year and 20 lbs. Children should not be turned forward-facing until they reach the maximum rear-facing limits of a convertible seat (that allows rear-facing to at least 30 lbs). These limits are either the maximum rear-facing weight limit or when the top of their head is within one inch of the top of the seat shell, whichever comes first. While most parents are aware that they must keep their children rear-facing "until they are AT LEAST 1 year old AND 20 lbs", very few are told that there are significant safety benefits when a child remains rear-facing as long as the seat allows. For most children, rear-facing can and should continue well into the second year of life. "

At LEAST one year old AND 20lbs. Not either or. Technically you can lose your drivers license for driving with a child under 1 year of age and/or under 20lbs that is forward facing.
But to each their own I guess. Just sharing some information, that in case you didn't know, is important to know. Not to mention illegal to do otherwise. Go ahead, ask any police officer or fireman.
It's safety, not convenience or "cuteness" of being able to see your child as you drive. It's important to your child's HEALTH and SAFETY. Children under 1 year of age can DIE in a car crash if they are forward facing..quite easily.
And trust me, I do worry about my own kid. She will be rear facing until she is at least 2 years old. Her car seat goes to 40lbs rear facing.

Yes, maybe it wasn't necessary to go that much into detail...but for crying out loud, it's a SAFETY hazard!

I also added "And -friend's name-.. I would prefer you didn't delete my comment. Not for her sake, but for anyone else lurking.. Not that many people know about that stuff.. Seriously, I'm not here to argue. It's just a safety thing not a lot of people know."

Then another woman, much older than the two of us as far as I can tell and a mother of two, jumped in..
None of my business but you were arguing in your last post. You said her Dr. should have there license revoked. If her Dr. said it's okay then why should it bother you?.....just sayin

I had no problem replying to that one.. It was a little silly of her to ask, to be honest..
Because it's illegal. If your Dr. says it's okay to shoot up heroin, even though it's illegal, does that make it okay?
Same thing really..

Then my friend, being the drama-lover she is, HAD to jump in..
your have a debate with a mother with two daughters!!! a.k.a (-woman's name here-)

And yes, that is EXACTLY what she said. I had to decipher it..

I replied, a bit cocky from knowing that they were wrong (What can I say? I like being right about things)

I don't mind :) I like a good debate. I know my facts, so it's perfectly fine to me.

Then I spoke with my mother about it..and she made her own opinions and replied as well! Then, for now, the debate died off. Victory? I doubt it.

My mom-

not that I am saying either is right but I can debate to as a mother of 3 daughters and a grandmother of one.......

while Kailey(that's me by the way) came across wrong (most definitely) she is stating a LAW about when children can ride forward facing, the law and police don't care what the doctor said......

You Need Some Photos!

Of my daughter!
Here's the cause of my joy every single day!





































That's all for now, but I see more pictures in the near future!

Sorry they are so big :(

I Want To Adopt

Originally, my plan was to have NO biological children.
I didn't want to risk passing on my "bad" genes (the bad being the OCD, Anxiety, and Depression) because they run on both sides of my family, and not in a good way. I believe I'm the only one who went as far as to get help for my problems.. Everyone else is in denial or, in the case of one, so religious that they refuse to admit anything because God will help. I have nothing against religion.. Most of my family is at least slightly religious, but if it goes this far, I think there is a problem. Simply because people need to help themselves because it affects everyone around you.
But anyway.. I wanted to adopt a son with Autism. I spent years researching autism, different ways it presents itself, ways people help their child, etc. I can proudly say I was close to a pro on knowing signs and how to help the child.. though since then I have forgotten a lot of it.
I wanted a boy because our family is almost all girls. I have 6 biological cousins..and all but one..girls..
I have 4 biological aunts, no biological uncles.
I have a theory that our bodies actually destroy boys. My mother had a miscarriage that was not proven to have no baby (her others were) and when we did the "needle test" (A needle on a string, held over the hand, if it goes in circles it is a girl, if it goes back and forth it is a boy) it said Girl (me), Boy (We think her miscarriage), Girl (My 8 year old sister), then Girl (my 5 almost 6 year old sister).
When done on my grandmother, it says Girl (my aunt), Girl (my mom), Boy (She also had a miscarriage)
Mine said Boy, then Girl... But I was never pregnant before. Funny thing is, after we found out the gender it said Girl first..THEN Boy. But it said the same thing no matter who held the string..so I'm not really sure.
The age I want to adopt is anywhere from 3-6 years old.. Not too old, but also not an infant. I wanted a child, not an infant.
Now that I reevaluate the situation, I wouldn't mind an infant, but I still want a child.
Since having my daughter, I crave a pregnancy again (Don't worry, I'm practicing abstinence and have no intentions of having another for at least 5 years, preferably longer, and I want to be financially stable!) so I think I may consider having one more biological to try to have that precious boy I feel like I would have, then adopt a son. Two boys and a girl? Sounds good to me.
I have the typical worries.. Will I still love my first as much? Will I love my other child/ren as much as I love my precious firstborn?
With my parents, it seemed they lost "interest" in me once they had another. My father was never really there, so I don't consider him my "parent", but my mom and stepdad spent years trying to conceive my sister..using IVF and everything, and once she was born I noticed a significant decrease in interest in me. But it might have just been that my depression was kicking in. That's about when it began, and it wasn't caused by my sister.

I hope that either a) I can successfully raise 2-3 children as a single parent, or b) I can find a partner I can spend my life with, though I don't hold my breath on this one..

To sum this up,
I still want my adopted son. I feel that he is out there somewhere, not yet born but waiting for his mama to be ready for him.

Our Sickies.. SOLVED!

So last night Ashlynn spiked yet another fever of 104.. 104.3 to be exact.
An hour later it had only dropped .2 degrees..
.2!!!!
My mom and I wet her with a damp washcloth, and I even tried the bath (she FREAKED..even when I sat in the bath with her.. and gave her toys!)
About 1 1/2-2 hours later, her temp was dropping, thankfully..so I got her back to bed at about 3:30am..
Then I went to do dishes (long story.. LOL)
This morning she slept until 1:30 in the afternoon.. latest yet. I KNEW she needed to see the Dr. so I got an appointment for 2:45.
My best friend drove us there and we got lost..got there 10 mins late, then had to wait a good 20+ minutes in the room..alone.. staring at puzzles and books that Ashlynn wanted nothing to do with.
I didn't check her temp, but I hadn't given her any meds since 2am and she was warm.. Probably 100-101..
She cried whenever I sat down (holding her, mind you) so I paced around the room..
Doctor came in, checked Ashlynn's breathing.. Commented on the stuffy nose and how hard it must be for Ashlynn to breathe with such a stuffy nose, then checked her ears.
"Yup..this one's sore!"
The other ear..
"This one too!"
Double ear infection!!!
This was my first guess..an ear infection. I didn't expect double, but I can't say it wasn't in the back of my head.
I'm thrilled that it's something we can easily treat with meds.
And, thankfully, she doesn't HATE the medication. Not a fan, but she doesn't hate them like she does the Up&Up brand of acetaminophen. She hates that with a passion. (Loves CVS brand though..)
I wish I had brought her before.. I'm sure they could have caught it on Tuesday, when she started with the sleepiness and weird poop. But I didn't know at the time, and didn't think TOO much of it.
Her fever was a low-grade today, nothing major..
And tonight I gave her ibuprofen at 11:30pm or so, just to keep the fever at bay..and guess what!
I checked her when she started to fuss about 10min ago (it's currently 1:53 am) and she has NO fever! NOTHING!
She's actually quite cool!!!
Poor girl has achy ears though.. she started tugging them for the first time today.. A lot.
Wish her a quick healing!

And HAPPY NEW YEARS!